I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically exhausted. I’ve been up for 3 hours, I’ve even had caffeine, and I’m ready to take a nap. I’ve had a cold all week, but I think part of that is just because I’m tired. Heck, I’ve even gone to bed before 9 every night this week. Yes, I was on vacation last week, but the past few weeks have been some of the most stressful weeks of my life. Even more stressful than overseas PCS’s if you can believe that.
As a woman and a mother, it’s my job to do it all. I work, I take care of the house, the kids, all the errands, and on the rare occasion I find time, myself. I don’t feel like I have control issues, but I have a problem asking my husband for help. We all know there are some things men can’t do right, so instead of having him help with the things I know he can do, I just do it all. He’s perfectly capable. He’s taken kids to doctor appointments, he picks them up from daycare everyday, he is capable of cleaning, but I just feel like it’s my job to do it all. Is it me or does society make me feel like I should be able to do it all? When I didn’t work, I never had a problem. I managed to get everything done and have plenty of time for fun. Now, I need about 3 more hours in every day. I wonder if part of it is because I did everything myself for so long – throughout my first marriage, while I was a single mom, I did it all (remind me to tell you about the time I decided to rip up carpets and install laminate flooring, along, when I was six months pregnant) and just got used to it being like that.
Back to school can be crazy anyways, but this year takes the cake. Little Man’s school cancelled their back to school program. I had planned to put both the kids in that this year, but then had to scramble to find other plans. We had arrangements for Little Missy, but 2 weeks before school started, that fell through. I had managed to find something for Little Man, but she didn’t have the room for both kids. The school is also not very accommodating, so I didn’t know if Little Missy was in the early or late kindergarten class, leaving me to not know if I needed before and after school care or just after. I managed to get it all figured out the day before school started and thankfully, everything has gone ok so far.
I think the whole school situation just mentally broke me. I was the one dealing with everything because I always have. I tell my husband what’s going on and enlist his help if I need it, but normally, it’s all me. I am not good at asking for help, I never have been. I have the mindset that I can do it myself. I’m the same way if the husband is deployed or gone. I need to realize that I can’t do it all myself though. It just causes me to stress, which causes me to bitch, which is no fun for anyone.
I had a great vacation last week, but my husband had work stuff and couldn’t go. My kids are pretty good, but it’s still draining when you spend all day flying with them. I came home with a mile long to do list. I did come home to a clean house though. Laundry was done, kitchen was clean, and my bed was even made (I never make my bed). Instead of acknowledging it, I just snapped at my husband because I was stressed and starting to get sick. Please tell me how to let go? I have already given up on a lot of things I was able to do when I didn’t have a full time job. Exercise is no longer in my vocabulary and lots of nights I’m too tired to cook. Which explains why I’ve gained so much weight since I started this job. My house is never as clean as it needs to be and I am in no way a clean freak, so that says something. I’ve given up some hobbies because there just isn’t time. I really don’t know how to fit everything in. I am just exhausted.